I had never felt that life would take such a sharp turn. I had literally thought that if I study hard, things would fall in their right places.
Nothing of that sort ever happened.
For I learnt that when you grow up, the responsibilities also multiply; and not to mention, the stress of decision making.
Never believe that your duties are over……because just then you discover that the race has just begun.
I always feel low, but this year has been devastating. Born on 1st April, 1996, I became the “April Fool” of everyone’s eyes. Why I was born on that year, not a year earlier or later, I wonder. Then perhaps my situation would not have been so critical as it is now. I’m literally at a triple point now. It might amuse you, but let me tell you that my batch was the first to be experimented on CCE type of learning method: year 2009 and the first ever batch to give a JEE Main, JEE Advanced and NEET UG paper: year 2013. I’m dumbstruck. Its not good to be the cup of tea of a panel of educationists. No, never. If sometimes we can’t stand lectures of teachers, how can you ever expect us students to be manhandled by the Education minister? Man, that’s worse than a nightmare!
As I was saying, I am a 17 year old KID. Because I let my parents take my decisions and I can’t take my own decisions. I keep wondering whether my decision would be right or wrong, what would be the pros and cons…………so confused.
It all started from March this year. The tension was running at a high velocity, bumping right onto my little brain. The Class 12 CBSE Board Examinations. Fair enough. It passed away, gripping onto my sleepless nights. Next came the entrance examinations. They were the real tests of my understanding and my keys for getting into a good college. They were ruthless. The nervousness before a test , the tough question papers, the small gaps for rough scribbling, the negative marking, the time limit, the hot and sultry rooms, the anxiety on the face of both parents and the child about the percentage of the child clearing the test, the frantic search on internet for latest answers, the scolding and sobs upheaval at home, the long wait for result declaration, the mixed feeling of anger, happiness and sadness, the curses on the students to have tried better, the registration and reporting at the required college, the high fees………………………………………………………………….
Finally, allotted to the college and studies can start.
While giving exams, I had never thought about all this.
Such a long journey to success……..yet an eternal failure…………….
Thriving on parents’ money, working for their expectations and personal upliftment…….
Purchasing smiles on parents’ tears………….
Trying on stand on own feet while squishing their hands………………
Yeah this is me……………….
Curses on this poor child.
Why was I ever born?
I can never, ever take a decision correctly. Can’t distinguish between stuff. I wonder how my school made me Class Monitor and School Captain. Well, what did they see in me?
I don’t know what they saw in me, but now I’ve surely seen myself: I’m trying to follow my dream by establishing my parents’ poverty.
- Situated at my home town
- Branch allotted: Mechanical Engineering
- Private Institution, expensive; though going to attain International Status: With best of the best facilities one can ever imagine
- Take part in various extra curricular activities
- Take coaching for CAT and GATE
- Stay with family
- Try for Medical Entrance Examinations once again
- Government Institution, one of the oldest in India: Feel proud to study there
- Branch allotted: Metallurgical and Materials Engineering
- Perhaps going to attain NIT status someday
Both the options have been so tempting for me that it was [ and still is ] a very hard decision for me to choose one. A typical hamlet situation: to be or not to be.
For my happiness my parents spent a lot of money so that I could read in an institution where I would read happily and bring pride and laurels for my family. But this was not to happen. My mind keeps wandering at a triple point:
- Study for medical entrance exams.
- Go to VSSUT and try for a branch change.
- Study for medical entrance exams along with studying in KIIT so that my 1 year may not be totally a drop situation.
People give a lot of advices, but I was the one to choose my path to glory. When I wanted to join VSSUT, my parents were a strict no no but my cries finally led them to do my admission there. I mean, who on earth wants to leave a chance to join a Government institution? But I don’t know what has happened to me. When I came back home, my mindset was changed.
“I want to stay with you, Mummy and study for Medical Entrance Exams once again.”
My parents were bewildered. “What on earth do you want? Why are you so confused? Do you know for your childishness how much we have to pay?”
And this is it. When I make up my mind to study at KIIT, I think of MBBS. Just then, I think of VSSUT and my head moves 360 degrees once again.
I kept on crying since I saw on the website of OJEE about VSSUT, and I am crying till date. My future is bleak. I have no present, no future. I have broken it before it started taking own shape. I have no idea what’s going on. Two years…….I had got 2 years……..perhaps I did not use them well. I went for coaching. 4.5 hours everyday. I never missed a day at my school. I was the class monitor. I have cleaned tables, blackboards and swept the classroom. But today I’m lost. My parents, are as depressed as I am. They have always helped me within their means. My mother never pesters me to do any household work. Both of them always take good care of me and have never let me go deprived of some facility due to its high cost. If I start writing down everything, then perhaps you would stop reading the post.
Life has just begun, but yet I think of death. It must be so peaceful. Calmness and serenity……………………I yearn for it……….But I’m still not done, my friends! Someday, may be someday I’d do such a thing that would make my parents and my school feel proud of me. Then I won’t have to bear the shame of studying at a private university, how nice it may be. Perhaps I might crack Medical Entrance Exams next year……..Then a new struggle would await me.
“Do what you think is right even if you are criticised. You’ll be damned if you do and you will be damned if you don’t.”